Introvert.

A few years ago my mom went to see a “medium”… – it wasn’t like that medium on tv, but still, she knew a lot by just looking into your eyes… creepy – at that time me and my twin sister were fightning really bad and that’s why my mom went to see this lady… I remember one day she came home and told us that the major problem between us was because we have different types of personalities, my sister was an extrovert and I’m an introvert. I didn’t think much of it because I was a really angry and stubborn teenager that wasn’t gonna take the time to look for something, I thought, my mom invented just so we could get along. That was almost 10 years ago – I’m so old – … Along those years I realise my mom was right… there are types of personalities and I’m in fact part of the 30% of human population that’s an introvert, that means I get energy by being alone, and being around people drains all of my energy. And that could be a problem sometimes, cause we live in a world were being outgoing and people loving is something really really important. Since a young age I was convinced that I had to like going out… And don’t get me wrong, I love going out in small groups of people but big crowds is just too exhausting for me, having to do small talk is a real problem for me and talking about myself kills me. I love hearing about what other people have to say before I can say something, people who ask really interesting questions are the best and if they show interest in what I’m saying I’ll go on and on and on… Meeting new people is frustrating because I don’t wanna waste time in someone who just don’t deserve it and it’s exhausting. I love to write, it’s my favourite way of communication, I can think as much as I want before sending it, that’s a plus I really like. We are the biggest thinkers, we don’t talk before we think every word we’re about to say, that comes in handy when I try to not hurt people with my words but sometimes thinking too much something gets frustrating for the other person you’re talking to. It’s hard to be an introvert but I wouldn’t change it if I could. We see the world different than others, we see details that no one notices, we won’t go to someone with our problems before really thinking through it ourself, and let’s be honest, no one knows you better than yourself for solving problems.

Before I knew all of this I thought I was broken… Why everyone I know likes small talk?, why no one likes to go home after being out all day?, I like being alone, does that mean I’m gonna die alone?, and the worst one: should I change myself to being more outgoing?. I’m not gonna lie, I tried to change myself but it obviously didn’t work because it’s not something I can change, it’s in my brain… Maybe electroshock mmmm…  Nah, as of right now I wouldn’t even consider it, I learned that the way I am it’s ok and I shouldn’t let anyone to tell me otherwise. I’m different, but I can do anything and I try my best not to let this keep me from living and enjoy life.

Prove them wrong.

I like when people think I can’t do something and I end up doing it… Most recently, I went running with my boyfriend because we eat so much crap and our body hate us for that… I haven’t exercise or done anything sport-ish things since I left high school, and that was 5 years ago so… Yeah, we ran 4.6 km. which I think it’s a lot. And the first thing he said to me was that he didn’t think I was gonna be able to finish the run. For some reason I didn’t take that as a negative comment and I felt even more proud of myself than I already was. “Hey! I can run and not die doing it, and I know you thought I wasn’t able to do it but, hey! I pull it off just fine!”… That’s what I thought but I was so happy I just smiled at him big time!

I was the only woman in my class in college, well, we were two but the other one dropped off for some reason. The career I persuade it’s most likely to be studied by men and I think my teachers just thought I was gonna be an average student or even a bad one. One time the teacher was solving a problem and there was an error that he couldn’t find and he asked us to find it, the first one to do it will win some extra points for the exam… I found it almost instantly and I didn’t want to say anything because I thought that wasn’t it… And after a minute I just said it, and it was… My teacher looked so surprise I found it that I felt awesome, even my classmates were surprised :D.
In the same class at the end of the year we had to have certain grade to pass it without take the final exam, and yes, I was the only one who didn’t have to take the exam and eeeeeveryone hated me, in a good way – at least I like to think that – but my teacher just freaked out, I still remember his look of surprise. That was an amazing feeling!
And I’ve won a lot of study~knowledge kinda battles and those moments have been going around my mind all day.

Today was a good day… One of those days I haven’t had in a long time, no bad thoughts, no anger for no reason, no mad for everything and nothing at the same time… No freaking worries… Just me living and enjoy life. These days are great but I know if they happened regularly, I’d probably wouldn’t enjoy them as much.

What am I doing?

I’m not happy… I’m not… I’m not unhappy either, I don’t think I’m depressed… But I’m not happy, and all the time I’m pretending everything’s ok, nothing’s wrong and… and that’s stressful. Everything’s fine with my family, everything is fine with my boyfriend, but I’m not fine with me. I’m kinda disappointed with myself for not having the things I wanted to have or do at my age… I keep applying for jobs and I never get a call back, I barely leave the house to have fun because I don’t have money to spare all the time, I keep thinking about changing my body so I can like me more (piercings, tattoos and body mods) and that’s amazing but at the same time I feel like I shouldn’t want to change anything, that I’m fine the way I am, but that’s not gonna happen.
I want a job, I need a job, I love that I got a degree in something that I’m passionate about but I can’t freaking put all my freaking knowledge in freaking practice!!!… I was top of class, I did more than great in my internship and I just think it’s not fair that I am still in nothing! An unemployed 22 years old with a freaking certificate that not everyone gets and still has no job.
I keep looking at my tattoo because I got it just so I can see it in this situations… Everything’s gonna happen when it has to happen, there’s no reason to rush things. Let the world or destiny or whatever do it’s job and everything’s gonna be ok.
When I’m driving and another car wants to pass right in front of me, I let it… just for good karma, crazy isn’t it?, I keep doing good things through all my day, all the days, and now I see it just like a waste of time.
When I started writing this I was in a real bad place, mentally speaking, and now I feel a little relief… I know I’m probably not making sense in any of what I just wrote but now… I’m fine. I’m feeling fine.

Here’s a picture of my tattoo freshly done, I got it a year ago and was one of the greatest things I could’ve do.

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More lyrics

“We are the in Crowd – The best thing”

I let you get away with
Thinking you’re the cure
I think I’m in too deep
It’s time to pull the cord

You like me more when you think
I’m getting bored
I hope you’re home the day I
Tear down the walls

I won’t settle, settle, settle
You are never gonna hold me down
So toxic, you ain’t nothin’ but a prick
I’m the best thing that never happened to ya

Never, never, never
You are never gonna live this down
Life’s too short, I can’t fake it anymore
I’m the best thing that never happened to ya

Don’t you get sick of only
Hearing your own voice
Talk like you’re so damn tough
But you’re just a little boy

You like to think you broke the mold
But now I’m sure
You’ll crack just like the rest when I
Break your fucking jaw

I won’t settle, settle, settle
You are never gonna hold me down
So toxic, you ain’t nothin’ but a prick
I’m the best thing that never happened to ya

Never, never, never
You are never gonna live this down
Life’s too short, I can’t fake it anymore
I’m the best thing that never happened to ya

I won’t settle
I won’t settle
I won’t settle

I won’t settle, settle, settle
You are never gonna hold me down
So toxic, you ain’t nothin’ but a prick
I’m the best thing that never happened to ya

Never, never, never
You are never gonna live this down
Life’s too short, I can’t fake it anymore
I’m the best thing that never happened to ya

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Job

All I have to say today is that I’ll be no longer waiting for that great job opportunity to come up, it could take months and months of waiting and I’m freaking out. I can’t live doing “nothing” all day. I can’t live as a housewife anymore. It’s not what I expected my life to be after finishing college. The search starts tomorrow.

See you tomorrow interwebs ;).

Pizza

You know… Sometimes people have problems, I’m talking – writing – about the little problems, the ones that last a couple of minutes, a mental breakdown for an hour, crying for no reason, headache, you just wanna go lay down in bed and fall asleep, you know it’ll be better tomorrow. Ok, maybe no many people have this “thing”, well, I do, I get sad and angry and a bunch of weir feelings and usually this happens at night, like the past two nights.
If I talk to someone it doesn’t help because I know it’s for something stupid, and as I know this I get more upset. Writing about it… It only makes this stupid thing more unforgettable. – I used to write what I was feeling and then reading it the morning after and it did sounded like a stupid thing – what helped yesterday was eating pizza and watch my currently favorite youtube video. I freaking love pizza, if I could marry to a slice… No, I’d probably just ended up eating it and I don’t wanna be a widow, so delicious. I don’t know why it calms me down. Green tea used to have that power on me but yesterday didn’t work. So from now on the answer for everything is pizza, lots and lots of delicious pizza.

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See you tomorrow interwebs ;).

Feeling better, but not great (Week #2)

One thing I noticed different about my thinking process this week is that I didn’t let my brain to overthink every single word anyone could say to me, or any gesture or something. I’m used to think over and over a certain act, it’s involuntary and most of the time it’s depressing, very depressing. And now that I stopped doing that, a little, I’m less stress during the day. At night I lose it, though. I hate when a day has been great and then in the night I just remember something and I feel like crap, the only thing that helps it’s to go to sleep and rest. Overall this week was great, and I hope the’ll continue to improving. I’ve a loooot of work to do with my mind, thoughts, and all that’s happening on my stupid brain.

See you tomorrow interweb ;).

More lyrics

I’m having a nice week and I don’t feel like writing when I’m happy, I like to complaint ok?

We are the in Crowd – Manners

Ohoh oh oh ohoh
Ohoh oh oh ohoh
Someone should teach you some manners

I wish I had a camera
I think you’ve got more nerve than you’ve got tact
I wanna take a picture
Of the look when your words bite your back
Remember how I showed you out just like that

What do you see when you close your eyes
Do you sleep
I know you do and I’m not surprised
While your ego keeps you warm
It’s burning
All the bridges that you start

We tried
Oh, we tried
What goes around comes around
Now it’s right back here to haunt you

We tried
(I earned my wings teaching guys like you)
Oh, we tried
(To keep your mouth shut, So keep your mouth shut)
Now you lost what I found
But I’m right back here to haunt you

Ohoh oh oh ohoh
And now I’m right back here

You’re so transparent
I see straight through your empty chest
And spineless back
I’ve seen enough not to trust
I think enough is enough

You got too close
You know I’m terrible
At keeping track of sleep
It always seems to sneak away
Along with wolves like you
Dressed as counting sheep

We tried
Oh, we tried
(I kept my mouth shut, I kept my mouth shut)
What goes around comes around
Now it’s right back here to haunt you

We tried
(I earned my wings teaching guys like you)
Oh, we tried
(To keep your mouth shut, So keep your mouth shut)
Now you lost what I found
But I’m right back here to haunt you

HEY!

It always seems to slip away
I’m taking back what is mine
What is left is here to haunt you
(Hey!)
It always seems to slip away

Don’t even know what you lost
But I hope this will remind you
You can never be honest
Remind you
Not the first or the last
I promise

We tried
Oh, we tried
(I kept my mouth shut, I kept my mouth shut)
What goes around comes around
Now it’s right back here to haunt you

We tried
(I earned my wings teaching guys like you)
Oh, we tried
(To keep your mouth shut, So keep your mouth shut)
Now you lost what I found
But I’m right back here to haunt you

Ohh oh oh ohhh
Now I’m right back here
ohh oh oh ohhh
And now I’m right back here to haunt you

Video

Minecraft

Mu favorite game when I was a child was Crash Bandicoot, I used to play it all day. Now I play it on my macbook or in my Playstation 1 that I just found after being lost for many many years.
My favorite game right now is Minecraft, it’s so simple, yet so hard… I used to play it a lot when I first new about it, now I play less but I spend most of my mornings watching gameplays on youtube… I just love watching people play the game. Lately I found a server where they play The Hunger Games and I started being a noob that was killed at the very first second to win a lot of times, once I even won twice in a row. Yes, I’m proud of that achievement.
Sometimes I watch my sister play, sometimes we play together… Is a fun game to play with friends. I miss those late nights were I played with my sister, Baldo and Jose, well my sister wasn’t all the nights. But it was a night full of laughter, burning each other houses, killing each other, singing old songs, just having a great time thanks to skype for letting us do that :).

See you tomorrow interwebs ;).

Lyrics

I loved this song since the first second I listened to it. The sound, the lyrics, the meaning… It’s amazing.

“We are the in Crowd – Reflections”

I think I’ve seen you before
Another time, another face
Whoever opened the door
Never had the time to waste

To paint pictures over windows
That don’t satisfy our taste
It’s so convenient to lose the truth
When it’s laughing in your face

Destiny is overrated
So I think I’ll write my own
I don’t believe it’s complicated
So I think I’ll stay at home
I followed the leader
Now I just follow myself
Destiny is overrated
So I think I’ll write my own

I know I’ve been here before
But I can’t find, the time or place
If we stay in the past
There’ll be no future left to waste

Pinning paper wings on problems
Hoping that they’ll fly away
Turn our backs, ignore the truth
If they can’t support the weight

Destiny is overrated
So I think I’ll write my own
I don’t believe it’s complicated
So I think I’ll stay at home
I followed the leader
Now I just follow myself
Destiny is overrated
So I think I’ll write my own

Reflections on a two way mirror
Of everyone and everything
That’s coming, and coming out
Of our lives
I can see myself in the static
I can see myself in you
Reflections on a two way mirror
Times running out, times running out

Destiny is overrated
So I think I’ll write my own
I don’t believe it’s complicated
So I think I’ll stay at home
I followed the leader
Now I just follow myself
Destiny is overrated
So I think I’ll write my own.

Video

See you tomorrow interweb ;).